Can you give suggestions on my sales letter?

Please help me write a direct sales letter for my new business writing homestudies for attorneys whose clients plan to adopt or obtain guardianship of children. Tell me what I should change, take out or add. Thanks!





Dear Mr. Smith:





Have you ever needed a comprehensive and well-written homestudy on one of your cases and didn’t know who you should call? I’m a local Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in Social Work. I have experience as an investigator and foster care worker for DCFS and as a counselor for XYZ Counseling Services.





What do my homestudy services include?


•Extensive Questionnaire


•Visit to the Home


•Criminal Records Check


•Reference Check


•Detailed Report


•Testimony in court





Call me today at (877) 123-4567 so we can further discuss my homestudy services. I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you soon.





Sincerely,








P.S. Mention this letter and receive 20% off your first homestudy!

Can you give suggestions on my sales letter?
When you say "I have experience as an investigator..." it highlights your omission of your homestudy experience (which of course is nil). Take out that line and you look stronger. I'd take out the line above it too ("I'm a local..."). You can tell them that AFTER they call you.





Your P.S. statement means nothing to me since I don't know what the base price is. 20% off of what? If I don't know, then I don't care.





Are you selling your speed, quality, or price? Decide and hit that point hard. Good Luck!